Aboard Zapp Brannagan's ship Zapp is sitting in his chair looking out into space. Kif is sitting at the helm and is trying to pilot the ship through an asteroid field.
Zapp: "Isn't it a wonderful, Kif?"
Kif: "I hardly see the wonder in the death of your long lost puppy, sir."
Zapp: "I don't understand Kif."
Kif: "Nothing, sir." "And may I ask you why you are in such a pleasant mood today?"
Zapp: "Well, Kif if you haven't heard, then I will tell you why."
(Long pause)
Kif: "What was it you heard, sir?
Zapp: "I've heard that my fair lady, Leela, was arrested last night for assaulting a police officer some time ago."
Kif: "I thought you liked Leela, sir."
Zapp: "I do Kif, but I've heard that I've been given the job as judge in her trial."
Kif: "What does that mean captain?"
Zapp: "That if convicted I can sentence her to a date with me."
Kif: "That is a little harsh isn't it, sir?"
Zapp: "I know, but if you break the law then you must be punished with dire consequences."
Kif: "What if she wins?"
Zapp: "Wins." "Hardly." "I know she did it because she is just the woman that would do something like that."
Kif: "When does the trial start?"
Zapp: "Tomorrow at high noon."
Kif: "Don't you mean today at 3 o'clock?"
Zapp: "Yes, so get a move on."
The ship abruptly shoots into hyperspace.
Zapp: "I didn't know we could do this."
Back at Farnsworth's Lab everyone is trying to coach Leela on what to say for the trial.
Bender: "One word. Lie."
Leela: "I am not going to lie."
Fry: "Two words. Say nothing."
Leela: "That's even less helpful than lie."
Zoidberg: "Three hundred and seven words…"
Leela: "If everyone is done being stupid…."
Fry: "I had more, but I'll stop."
Professor Farnsworth walks in with a large box in his arms struggling to stay up.
Professor: "Could someone give me a hand?"
Bender: "Here you go Professor."
Bender unscrews his hand and throws it at the Professor who drops the box on the ground.
Professor: "Thank you Bender."
Bender: "Welcome."
Professor: "Now that my hands are free, I can show you this."
Leela: "Show us what?"
Professor: "Yes. What? Was I going to show you something?"
Bender: "Senile is too small a word."
Leela: "I guess it wasn't too important. Now will you all help me figure out what I should say at the trial."
Fry: "Okay, but I'll need a monkey's paw, some frogs' eyes, some crow's toes, and a long length of string cheese."
Zoidberg: "I have the monkey's paw and crow's toes."
Professor: "I have some frogs' eyes but I can't find any string cheese."
Fry: "Ah, forget it."
Leela: "I'm doomed, can anything else go wrong?"
Zoidberg: "Oh, then you haven't heard?"
Leela: "Heard what?"
Zoidberg: "Just that Zapp Brannagan is going to be the judge for your trial."
Leela: "Noooooooo!"
Later in the courtroom Leela and Fry are sitting the defendant's table. Fry and Leela are wearing business suits and Fry is watching Matlock on a portable TV.
Leela: "I can't believe that I picked you as my lawyer."
Fry: "Don't worry I have Matlock on and all I have to do is finish watching it and we should be fine."
The TV shuts off.
Fry: "The batteries are dead."
Leela: "Ugh!"
The prosecution walks in with the two police officers. And Kif walks out of the judge's office.
Kif: "All rise for the…" (Whispers to Zapp) "Do I have to say it sir?"
Zapp: "Yes, I order you."
Kif: "All rise for the honorable, courageous, and modest Judge Brannagan."
Zapp: "Thank you Kif."
Kif: "Ugh." "All be seated."
Zapp: "Wait, I didn't say for them to be seated did I Kif?"
Kif: "I guess not." "Well, when should I tell them to be seated, sir?"
Zapp: "Now would be good."
Kif: "Now you may sit, if it is all right with you sir?"
Zapp: "I find the defendant GUILTY!"
Kif: "But sir we haven't even begun the trial yet."
Zapp: "Didn't we Kif? Didn't we?"
Kif: "Yes."
Zapp: "Well then lets get started."
Kif: "Make your opening statements council."
Long Pause
Fry: "Oh that's me." "Ladies Gentlemen and other Creatures of the jury, I intend to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my client Leela is innocent."
Zapp: "What say you prosecution?"
Prosecution: "Your honor we are here to prove that this woman ruthlessly attacked my clients causing them severe harm."
Fry: "I object!"
Kif: "You cannot object on the opening statement Mr. Fry."
Fry: "Well then never mind."
Zapp: "Defense, call your first liar, I mean witness."
Fry: "I call to the stand, Bender."
Outside Door
Bender: "Wait a minute, I'm not going into any courtroom, it feels like a trap."
He is thrown into the courtroom.
Kif: "Please put your hand on the Retrospective Bible." "Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth."
Bender: "No, I do not."
Kif: "Close enough."
Fry: "Now Bender."
Bender: "Yes, Fry." (Sharply)
Fry: "Uh, yes, now back to the question." "Where were you on the day that these policemen claim to have been assaulted by my client?"
Bender: "I was with you, if you can't remember that far back."
Fry: "And where was that?"
Bender: "In the criminal area of the head museum."
Fry: "Thank you Bender." "No further questions."
Bender: "Waste my time…(mumbles)."
Zapp: "Now what Kif?"
Kif: "Your witness prosecution."
Prosecution: "Mr. Bender, I think you are lying, and do you know what happens to liars?"
Bender: "No, what?"
Prosecution: "They go to Robot Hell."
Bender: "Been there. Done that."
Prosecution: "No further questions."
Zapp: "Step down, but watch the first step."
Bender falls down on the floor.
Bender: "Ahh!"
Fry: "I would like to call Dr. Hubert Farnsworth to the stand."
Outside the door.
Professor: "Okay, one million dollars is a lot of money just to go in this door, don't you think."
Door opens. Professor walks in. Door slams behind him.
Professor: "Hey where's my million, you dirty rotten cheats." (Turns around) "Oh, hello everyone."
Kif: "Please be seated."
Professor: "Why?"
Kif: "Because you're a witness."
Professor: "Oh very well."
Fry: "Professor Hubert Farnsworth if that is your real name."
Professor: "I hope it is, unless these aren't my underwear."
Fry: "Why did I call you here?"
Professor: "I don't know why."
Fry: "Very well you may step down."
Professor: "And do what?"
Fry: "I don't really know."
Professor: "What could we do?"
Fry: "We could break out in song?"
Person in audience: "We could dance?"
Zapp: "Guards, throw that man out and rough him up."
Guards grab him and take him out the door.
Leela: "Could we get back to my trial?"
Zapp: "Yes, and to further the guilty verdict along, the defense may only get one more witness." "So you better you better be damn good to pull it off."
Kif: "Pull what off, sir?"
Zapp: "You know Kif, the thing."
Kif: "Yes sir, the thing."
Fry: "I call Leela to the stand."
Kif: "Do you swear to tell the truth…" "Oh forget it." (Throws the book on the ground)
Fry: "I need you to answer this question to the best of your recollection."
Leela: "Well, that was the plan."
Fry: "The question for 1 million dollars is…. Did you attack these two police officers?" "Answer A is Yes, answer B is No, answer C is maybe, and answer D is a funny slipper."
Leela: "I would like to use the 50-50."
Fry: "Okay, computer please remove two of the wrong answers leaving two possible answers." "The computer left you with A yes and B no."
Leela: "Those were the two that I was having trouble with." "I think I'll ask the audience."
Fry: "Okay audience Leela needs your help, please answer A or B on your keypad now." "Well 49% of the audience say that A is the answer, 50% say the answer is B, and 1% say that the answer is D."
Leela: "Who said D?"
Fry: "Your life is on the line and you're wondering who said D."
Leela: "I am now more confused that ever. I would like to use my last lifeline."
Fry: "And who would you like to call?"
Leela: "I would like to call Professor."
Fry: "Okay, our friends at MCSprint & T will get Professor on the phone."
Loudspeaker: "Could you tell her to be more specific?"
Leela: "Professor Farnsworth."
On phone: "Hello."
Fry: "Hey Professor."
Professor: "Oh, hello Fry."
Fry: "Now Professor, Leela needs your help."
Professor: "Oh she does, does she?"
Fry: "She is going to ask you a question, here she is."
Leela: "The question is, did I attack two police officers." "A is yes, and B is no." "15 seconds left."
Professor: "I know this one. It's on the tip of my tongue. I think the answer is yes, oh wait maybe it's no, or maybe it is yes or maybe no." (Beep, beep)
Fry: "Did that help you much."
Leela: "Yeah, about as much help as you've given me." "I think I'll go with B, no."
Fry: "Is that your final answer?"
Leela: "Yes."
Fry: "It's a good one." "You're right."
Audience cheers.
Zapp: (Sobbing) "I could have made her do anything I wanted, but if it wasn't for her expert lawyer I would be with her on a cruise with her on the Titanic 2."
Leela: "I can't believe you did it Fry."
Fry: "Nether can I." "On the episode of Matlock I was watching he lost."
Leela faints.
Bender: "Everybody party!"
