by: Aaron
Hello, people(and aliens, and robots, and things that don't fit into the
first three categories). It's me, the Howcumzit?! guy. I thought I'd reveal
my true first name: Aaron. There, I said it. Why am I telling you this
worthless piece of info, you ask? For your information, (choose at least
one) Mr./Mrs./Ms./It Smarty Pants, I have gone to Deathmatch HQ, signed a
one-match contract (with an option for more), and I've got an opponent:
Fry. Of all the celebrities, I get Fry. ( Aaron (last name ommitted),
please report to the Deathmatch ring.)Whoops! I'm due up!
Refer to this key for me, before I forget:
J-Johnny Gomez N-Nick Diamond F-Fry M-Mills Lane A-Aaron(myself) L-Leela
J-Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, fresh from the Futurama Outlet,
Aaron! (I come out to 'The Saga Begins' by 'Weird Al' Yankovic)
And his opponent, from New New York, Philip J. Fry! (Fry comes out to
Futurama theme)
M-Okay, you two, I want a good clean fight. Any questions?
A-Yo.
M-Is it a Howcumzit?! question?
A-No, not this time.
M-Then what?
A-Can I say 'Let's get it on!'?
M-That's my job, Aaron!
A-Damn.
M-Now let's get it on!
A-NOW,we'll do 'Howcumzit?!' ( crowd cheers) How badly should I hurt Fry here?
Crowd-Very badly!
A-Thank you. ( I whip out a Chicago Cubs ball) Here's one pitch for every
win the Cubs get in June, on average. (I throw and re-throw 6 times)
Oh yeah, the June Swoon.
F-Bad month. How about one kick to the groin for every win Trachsel's
gotten this year?
A-You're doing even worse than me! Trachsel sucks!
F-Oh.
A-To paraphrase Emeril Legasse- 'We're gonna kick it up a notch...
F-(boots me into next Friday)
N-Bam! (N and J laugh)
J-Aaron's clinging to this booth!
A- Not for long, guys. ( I climb up into the booth) By the way, can I have
your autograph, Johnny?
J-After the match.
F-Hey Leela.
L-After the match.
F-No, can I borrow the laser?
L-Oh, I get it. To take out Aaron?
F-No, because I got this one nose hair that just won't...
L-Killing now, vanity later.
F-Actually, could you do it? I'm not a good shot.
L-(sighing) Fine. (screaming) Hey Aaron! Turn around!
F-Not him! The nose hair!
A-What, Leela?
J-Get off the damn desk, Aaron!
A-Sorry. (I run back to the ring) What, Leela?
L-Just a sec. I need to have a discussion with Fry.
A-Mills?
M-Yes,son?
A-I think Fry's co-worker just called an unofficial time-out.
M-Break it up, then!
A-Hell no! I plan to ask her out after the match!
J-Is anyone fighting anymore?
N-Even referee Mills Lane has gotten sucked into the confusion!
J-Wait just a second, Nick. The confusion has seemed to clear up, and...
Leela's in the ring?!
A-Leela, you are not my opponent. Fry is my opponent. There is a
difference. You have a grey thing on your arm. Fry does not. He is an utter
moron and is strictly here for my enjoyment. You are not. HE IS MY
OPPONENT! YOU ARE NOT!
L-Well, you don't have to scream.
F-(to Mom)... and do you know my PIN #? That's right, 1077... whoa. How'd I
end up in the crowd? Hey Leela! Back in the crowd!
L-Did you tell Mom your PIN # again?
F-Just gimme the laser!
A-Just call time in!
F-Time in, then!
J-The fight resumes!
A-Finally. Where were we?... um... oh yeah. I'm gonna open up a can of
whoop-ass on you!... no.
L-Here's that laser, Fry!
N-Jeez, that laser gets around.
J-Amen.
F-Thanks... what th'?
'Pikachu!'
N-Look, Johnny, it's the internationally famous Pokemon, Pikachu!
J-It entered the ring, though, so it's safety cannot be guaranteed.
A-Fry, I need to take care of an annoyance, fast. I'll need the laser.
F-Here.
A-First things first. (ahem) DIE, PIKACHU! DIE!
(I crank the setting of the
laser to 'BBQ' and nail Pikachu)
'Pika, piiikaa...'
A-Any other Pokemon in the audience tonight? (cut to Bulbasaur,who sprints
for the exit) DIE, BULBASAUR! DIE!!
Don King-...and only in America can a guy like me siphon money like this
out of a boxer like this!(points to Mike Tyson) (I hit King)
A-Well, I just revived a running gag-killing Don King. Second order of
business: DIE, FRY! DIE! (I zap Fry)
M-And the winner is, Aaron! (bell rings)
J-3 deaths in a two man bout! I think that's a new record!
N-Stay tuned for our main event, folks: Mark McGwire vs. Sammy Sosa.
Well, three kills in one match. Good way to start out my Deathmatch career.
Hey folks, if you'd like to see me, the Howcumzit?! guy, take on a Futurama
character, e-mail me and tell me which one. For now though, good fight,
good night.
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