It was a cold night in the city of New New York, and Kif was waiting alone by a lamppost. He was wearing a trench coat and a fedora on his head. The rain was beginning to fall and a hovercar came zooming past splashing water all over him.
Kif: “Oh, jeez.”
He walked down the street and walked into a local pub and tripped over his coat.
Kif: “Ahhhh!”
A young woman was siting by the bar sipping expensive wine. She beckoned him over to the stool were she grabbed him and pushed his onto the stool.
Woman: “Where have you been?” “I have been waiting here for three hours and I ran out of money.”
Kif: “I am sorry dear, but I got into trouble back at the ship.”
Woman: “You can’t lie to me.”
Kif: “I am not lying, here is the whole story.” “It all happened three hours ago….”
Flashback to three hours ago.
Zapp Brannagan stands on the bridge of his ship waiting for Kif to return with his formal shorts so that he can go on an imaginary date with Leela. Kif walks in with clothes folded in hand.
Zapp: “Kif, you are late once again, and I am beginning to wonder if you are competent enough to handle my laundry.”
Kif: “But captain, I was also painting your quarters and feeding your pet kitten.”
Zapp: “Yes, that cat is going to taste good, but I cannot accept that as an excuse.” “To earn my respect once again you must complete a very important task without failure.”
Kif: “Yes captain, but may I ask what the task is that I must complete?”
Zapp: “I haven’t yet come up with it, but come back in twenty minutes.”
Twenty minutes later Zapp is sitting in his captain’s chair staring at the viewscreen.
Zapp: “I see you have come back Kif.” “Excellent!”
Kif: “What is it that you wanted me to do, sir?”
Zapp: “A yes, I want you to deliver this package to the DOOP Headquarters.”
Kif: “I would captain, but the DOOP Headquarters are hidden.”
Zapp: “I don’t care, I want you to deliver this package at all costs, to yourself that is.”
Kif: “Very well, sir.”
Zapp: “Good, now off with you, I am a busy man.”
Kif: “Yeah right.” (Under his breath)
Zapp: “What was that?”
Kif: “Nothing sir.”
Zapp: “Now off with you.”
Kif hopped onto his hover bike parked under or smashed under Zapp’s personal hoverlimo and went zooming off to the find the location of the DOOP Headquarters.
He went to the library and opened disc two to find any information he could find, but with no success. Wasting no time he headed over to the head museum to ask old DOOP members if they knew where to look and he found an old head named Old Joe in the far back of the museum.
Old Joe had patch on one eye and had white hair and held a note in his mouth that read “Do not disturb” that was covering his chin.
Kif: “Excuse me, I am so sorry to disturb you but…”
Old Joe woke up in a shout.
Old Joe: “What the heck, do you be wanting you young whippersnapper, don’t you youngins know how to read.” “This sign says, “Do not disturb” and it is not there just for your health.”
Kif: “Yes sir, I know but this is important, I need help finding the hidden DOOP Headquarters and you look like you know where they might be.”
Old Joe: “Why do you think that I might know about the DOOP?”
Kif: “Well I tho…”
Old Joe: “That was a rhetorical question, I can help you, but on one condition you find the head regeneration unit.”
Kif: “Where can I find it at?”
Old Joe: “I have no idea, why do you think I am still a head?”
Kif leaves the head museum and hops onto his hoverbike and speeds off to the library once again. He reopens disc one and finds that the head restoration unit is on the moon and is in the crack of Sea of Tranquillity.
So Kif scraps the idea of asking Old Joe to help him find the DOOP Headquarters. When he returns to his hoverbike he discovers that the seat, handlebars, and antigravity unit has been stolen. He then runs to the ship and throws the package into the trash can in front of the hanger where the ship is held.
He finds Zapp still sitting in his chair and reading his book Zapp Brannagan’s Big Book of War.”
Kif: “Captain, I have done what you asked.”
Zapp: “Excellent, first officer.” “Did they ask who sent it?”
Kif: “No sir, why do you ask?”
Zapp: “No reason.”
All of a sudden they hear a large explosion coming from outside the hanger.
Kif: “What was that, sir?”
Zapp: “I had beans for lunch.” “Now Kif I must ask you to leave me, I have much more important things to do, like polish my badge.”
Kif: “Goodbye sir.”
Kif puts on his fedora and trench coat and begins to walk out the hanger. As he gets outside it begins to rain and lightning.
Kif: (Being sarcastic) “Perfect ending to a perfect day.”
Back at the Present
Kif: “So you see that it wasn’t my fault that I am late.”
Woman: “Well, I see now that my own son is a liar, now pay for my tab and go home.”
Kif: “Yes mother.” “So your tab is what a few dollars.”
Woman: “Oh my no, its $2,390.87.”
Kif falls to the floor hitting his head on the pool table and breaking it.
Bartender: “You’re going to have to pay for that.”
